guys i'm really talking right now

this is #realtalk this is what i've learned:

1. "blessed are the forgetful"
2. you have to lose yourself in order to find yourself
3. you is kind you is smart you is important
4. if i write from my heart my soul won't be hard to find
5. moments are memories our eyes took pictures of
6. to be honest i don't really know how love works. but it works.
7. the only nature we wake up to are the tweets coming from the inside of our drawers instead of from outside our window.
8. don't be scared of the edge
9. if your mind says no your <3 is probably saying yes so do it anyways.
10. tell yourself your a champion at least once a day
11. the wee voice came back b/c your soul somehow depends on it
12. savor obscurity while it lasts b/c that's when all can be revealed to you
13. love is like tape
14. falling off a cliff is a lot like falling in love - it's all about the unknown baby
15. hipsters are indie-viduals too you know
16. maybe if i pretended i was fearless i'd become it
17. be real
18. screw everyone else and freaking live
19. "death is the greatest invention of life b/c it motivates you to live your life how you want to. It helps you follow your <3" ~ nelson
20. my bones held me up when my head & my heart said "we can't"
21. Rosa Parks & Martin Luther King Junior ily
22. my heart told me she loved me
23. taking risks is contagious
24. rogue planets got kicked out of their own galaxy
25. when i snooze i don't lose cuz i still get up
26. if i found out i was going to die i would finally start to Live
27. still trying to decide, what am i??
28. i'd rather be 97 cents than a dollar
29. how free & alive i feel at dances
30. deliberate by amy uyematsu
31. i don't care anymore
32. sometimes the silent voices make the biggest difference - RIP johnny ellis
33. reminisce: it's good for you
34. this is for you. this is for those chasing the wrong dreams
35. love people. change the world.
36. some things are not important
37. inspiration will leave you.
38. "if you want to be successful you gotta want it as much as wanting to breathe"
39. the life we have ahead of us is real & everything we've done here in HS is fake.
40. i hope we we realize we are the future before it's too late.
41. i will never sleep in my room again. and if i do it wont be the same.
42. everything is assumed.
43. have fun
44. there's so much we have to discover. there's so much nelson didn't get to teach us.
45. life is full of paradoxes.
46. we were made by a Creator. We Are Creative.
47. i need to dye my hair or kiss a boy
48. just because i have courage doesn't mean i'm not afraid.
49. i am much more than just a speck
50. i will miss this class

memories of my eyes

these are the things my eyes remember
these are the glimpses they flash back to. 

I remember her saying, 

"I have a bad habit of taking pictures of strangers because I believe you should acknowledge everyone you come in contact with." 

I remember sitting in class and watching a boy gasp for breath, hands shaking because he had just spoken in front of the class. I remember watching him and knowing what that felt like. 

I remember the family who came into Taco Amigo. 

I remember because they were on food stamps.

I remember because the mom looked at me ashamed - and I didn't know what to say.  

I remember when I wrote you a 'get well soon' card but you died before I could give it to you. 
(and it's still hanging on my magnet board in my room.) 
I remember watching the white balloons float up towards the sky I remember because the sun was shining on your little spot while someone sang towards the sun.

I remember the note I lost & never found. 

I remember when you first moved here and I made you laugh. I remember because I thought we'd be friends by now.

I remember when growing up was only a dream away.

I remember seeing kids running through the hallways with their friends.

I remember because I saw guys with their mission calls laughing at them. 

I remember seeing kids sitting alone in the hallways and refusing to look up. 
I remember feeling so overwhelmed with sympathy for them that i walked past with tears in my eyes.

When she broke up with you at the dance and you stood there as she walked away, not knowing what to do. I remember your eyes. i've never felt true love but i remember my heart breaking for you.

I remember my sweet friend at the old folks home. 
I remember visiting her room and sitting in one of her rocking chairs. 
I remember laughing with her as if I was already old, as if time had no end, as if worries weren't a thing.

I remember the wyoming night sky. 
I remember because it had never looked so beautiful and if I could, i'd go back to that moment when life was perfectily still and I could finally see Heaven. 
When there were no lights 
no homes 
no planes 
no sound.

these are the things my eyes remember

these are the glimpses they flash back to. 

these moments, these places, these people, remind me that others feel too.

i think these moments change us. 

everytime we get a glimpse into someone elses life, we get a glimpse of ourselves. 

these moments are raw. these moments are real. 

i dont even know if this is making sense to you... ---  I don't even know how to say this to you --- but it's all about theses moments; the glimpses we're privileged to see in each other. 

that's why i remember her saying, 

"I have a bad habit of taking pictures of strangers because I believe you should acknowledge everyone you come in contact with."  

because we're all intertwined in this big thing called life and these moments 

are memories that our eyes took pictures of..

and before we know it we're gone. we're dead. life's over. 

and all we saw and all we knew were those small, insignificant moments that went unnoticed by most, and noticed by some. 

so since we're all graduating and life is going by way too fast, 

~always remember this. xoxo

Blackout

How2B// a timewaster of wishing

I am currently sitting on my couch cuddling with that special someone.

<<aka me>>

And I'm trying to decide how I feel about this year..

senior year senior year senior year senior year senior year senior year senior year

Everyone said SENIOR YEAR would be the best yet. And it's definitely been better but not the best. 

I thought there'd be no stress. (Hahahaha) 

I underestimated senioritis but I secretly love having it...

I think i mostly waste time wishing I could be friends with people. Wasting my time stalking everybody and their dog on Instagram and wishing I was in their pictures too. 

Lame I know but it's #thetruth. 

I thought I'd make tons of new friends and hangout all the time.

I thought I wouldn't have anxiety attacks anymore. I thought I'd raise my hand more in class. 

I thought I'd be better at talking to boys and talking to people in general.

...I'm sorry, but I'm having a party of one and maybe it's the dreary weather but I'm feeling quite lame.

Idk, maybe I'm the only one who feels this way, but I thought this year would be a lot different than how it's turned out. 

And don't get me wrong, I've met amazing people and I've had fun experiences but I wish I didn't wish so much. I wish I wouldn't waste my time thinking of all my regrets. But it's hard when your heart keeps yearning and your mind keeps wandering over to the unknown of what could've happened. 

Can't say why I stayed

B&W Moonshine

Crickets chirping.

The cow jumped over the moon - he missed. 

The cow jumped over the moon - he aimed too high. 

It's night. There's a guy with his hands in his pockets, a hood over his face.

All he knows is the unknown.
He reaches up to the sky, grasping only a piece of the darkness. 

Stars twinkling. 

Crickets chirping. 

There's a bar. They're all drunk, drinking their lives away because 'they aimed too high'. 

Black & white

black & white, the moon holds the world in a trance. It's rays slice through the night sky, and those still awake drink it up like moonshine. . .

Hipsters drawing crescents on their wrists. Black & white,

black & white.

Wolves howling, black & white,

black & white. 

The guy with his hands in his pockets is still walking to nowhere because someone told him he 'aimed too high' - 'he missed'.

Crickets chirping.

the littlest things

i take pride in the little things. 
but i think it's 'cause i'm always afraid of the big things.
the little things are enough to satisfy my mediocre life but 
i'm still not satisfied. 
     ~     ~      ~      
i take pride in the little things of life.
in the little things i do.
i'm proud of the fears i've overcome and the successes
that i've had but, 
i'm still not satisfied.

can't even

ugh picking someone for this #jealousy post was torture mostly because everyone is so so good at writing.

ever since the beginning of this class i have been blown away from no u turns posts. like, i can't even - - - i just can't.
So ofcourse i picked your moon post, like wow. how do you do it? Your words flow and take me to a safe place. A place where i can think and wonder.
Basically I'm jealous of all your posts but i loved how you made the moon real, made him personal to you. How he's always been there, but how frustrating he's been. i could quote the whole thing but i just really love how i can always enjoy your posts and savor the words you write because i can always relate to what you say.

"You've seen many laughs Mr. Moon, the the tears far outnumber the laughs. It has been under your watchful eye that I have crashed into a million pieces, only to be put clumsily back together again."

#screw & live people

SCREW EVERYTHING ELSE, 

I need to live. 

I just want to be free

 <before it gets to late and I'm a mom who is always stressed and regrets not living and not risking enough.>

I need to stop worrying about what might happen and start looking forward to what could happen. 

I need to stop comparing myself to others. 

I need to dye my hair or kiss a boy. 

I want to-

I should-

I could-

I just need to live because before I know it I'll be dead, and this is basically a random mini rant so you can stop reading now. 

B o n e s

In 50+ years our bones will be lying underground.

Packed under the cold, silent earth.

And as we sit dead, 

our skin deteriorates, our spirit lifts up to the sky, but our bones stay. 

Strong, they remain. 

Being the most loyal part of us. 

The last evidence that I was a person and that I had a name. 

An impact on those I met. 

To the world. 

Contributing to the exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide. 

People are afraid of bones because they can't see a person's heart. 

When they see skeletons they are afraid because the empty dark crevices used to hold someone's eyes; 

someone's life. 

Yet bones are the ones who have been with us our whole lives. 

Since the day we were born. 

In my eyes, they are the ones who know us the best. 

They are old and wise 

They didn't have to learn how to think or how to love.

Yes they are silent, but they are always there. As we live, our bones may creak ever so slightly to remind us that they are there, as our supporters and our friends.

They give us strength. 

They helped me stand even when my head and my heart said, 'we can't'. 

And although my bones have broken, they've always mended themselves because they know I can't live without them. 

So doesn't it make sense for our bones to stay as the rest of us leave this world of all we've known, as a remnant of who we were? 

Death: an old friend

For all you HP fans out there::

"It was only when he attained a great age that the youngest brother finally took off the Cloak of Invisibility, and gave it to his son.

 And then, he greeted Death as an old friend, went with him gladly, and, as equals, they departed from this life."

Wilting

She's wilting.

Her petals are falling more and more each day and I don't know what to do. All she wants is to live free. 

but she says she doesn't care, that life's not fair.

She's suffering from anorexia. 

She pierced her ear at 4 AM to get back at her parents for controlling her life. 

She thinks she will find happiness by making out with strangers.

She tells me her life is spiraling down, that everything is falling apart.

I watch her live her life and my heart cracks everytime. 

Her petals are wilting. 

Her head is sinking

On the outside she is living, laughing. 

On the inside I see her dying. 

I see her dying and I start crying because she can't see that people care. 

She can't see how beautiful she is. 

Everytime I see her 

we hug.

I listen.

I have so many things to say to her but I'm too afraid to open my mouth. 

I just want to save her.

I don't know what to do. 

I see her future. I see her dying. I see her death and I'm terrified.

My flower child only believes in rebellion.

Honey, let the sun shine down on your pretty face

please, let God embrace you in His undying love for you. 

Please darling, I want you to live again. Please, don't let me watch you die like this. You're not only killing yourself but you're killing me </3

Courage.

JUST BECAUSE I HAVE COURAGE DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT AFRAID.

The list

I am afraid of hair in the shower drain.

Of tongues because tongues are muscles and people French kiss with them.

I am afraid of taking out the garbage on Fridays because what if I found a dead body in the trash can?

Of people who walk on the side of the road at night with their hoods over their heads.

My dad's white nose hairs.

Of becoming a hoarder.

Getting stuck in a freezer and dying silently.

Falling into a port-a-potty.

I'm afraid of untied shoelaces when it's raining and stepping on wriggling worms.

I'm also afraid I've been diagnosed with what they call insecurities. it's a disease. Except everyone has it.

They say when you're honest with your insecurities it's easier to overcome them so here I go:

I am terrified of walking past kids in the hallways. 

Sometimes I get panic attacks.

Sometimes I wish I were a turtle so I could hide in my shell and slowly sneak away without anyone noticing me.

I'm terrified of letting people see who I really am.

Asking for help is so hard.

I am horrified of talking to most of you who are reading this and it's hard for me to say that.

I'm self conscious about my body.

My legs, my mole, my face, my butt, my weight. Just me in general, I guess.

Death.

I'm afraid of letting my parents down. 

I'm afraid of driving.

I'm afraid of being noticed.

Of people asking me questions.

Of change.

Of living on my own.

Godless

The Help is such a powerful movie. 

This quote is so good it makes me tear up everytime. I admire Aibeleen so much because of her courage and integrity. I hope to be more like her so I can stand up to the future Miss Hillys in my life.

"All you do is scare 

and lie to try and get what you want. You're a godless woman. 

Ain't you tired, Miss Hilly? 

Ain't you tired?"

BRICKS

My dad has hammered toes 

And dented toenails.

Grandma told him that when he was

little, bricks fell on his toes and that's why they're ugly.

But then my little sister was born and her toes looked just like my dad's.

My dad was confused, "there are others like me?" 

Yes.

There are others like you, with imperfections. 

Harmless ones that don't measure your worth.

But people have told you that bricks fell on you. 

Bricks fell on your head, bricks fell on your heart. 

That's why you can't feel, that's why you're not smart but the truth is that imperfections make you perfect. 

And covering your scars and your hammered toes with heavy bricks only hurt more. 

But people blame bricks instead of accepting. 

Accepting. 

People blame bricks because bricks are bricks and then no one is to blame but those stupid old bricks.

They bury themselves, they bury each other because who wants to look ugly with hammered toes and dented nails?

People say hiding their imperfections will make you feel accepted. 

But people blame bricks instead of accepting.

once a poet & I didn't even know it

found a collecton of poems from elementry school lol: 

#enjoy

Obscurity: to see or not to see

here's one of my extra 5 journal entries:

It is
                   Hard       easy

     hard

                             Easy

                          To see when you are

Glaring ~ angry

Zoning out ~ imagining

                          Crying ~ hopeless 

Sitting in the dark ~ pondering 

Driving in the rain ~ stressing 

                               

Swimming without goggles ~ exploring

Looking at the sun ~ appreciating 

                                       

Savor obscurity while it lasts 

because this is when all can be revealed to you. 

Dear You,

~ February 14th, 2014 ~

Dear You,

I've never had a boyfriend. Unless you count the boy in 2nd grade.
Haha, and I've never kissed a single soul.

But today I woke up and decided to dress nice.
You know, like actually try to get ready.
It's definitely a struggle, especially when there's no one you're trying to impress.
I even put on a pink shirt to be festive like
all the other single girls did at school.

<3 <3 <3

Mostly, I decided to dress up for you.
And I don't even know who you are.
Or where you are, or if you like sushi. (I don't like sushi)
All I know is that someday you and I will cross paths.
And on that someday we will fall in a puddle
called love.

Maybe the day we meet I'll be having the worst hair day ever.
But that won't matter.
And maybe the day we meet I'll be having the best hair day ever.
But that won't matter either.

Because love isn't based on appearance.
Love isn't based on the unimportant stuff.

And it probably won't be 'love at first sight' because
I'm not sure if love works that way.
But maybe it will.
To be honest I don't really know how love works.
But it works.

                                          

Basically I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you today.

And I hope you are having a good day. 

I hope you can't wait to meet me because I can't wait to meet you.

And I'm sorry this letter isn't very good
and even though I don't know
who you are,
you make me feel dumb and amazing all at the same time
because that's how love is supposed to make you feel.

xoxo

From, Me

Today

*sighing*

because to me, 

feeling overwhelmed 

sounds much worse than 

feelig stressed.

And today,

I feel very overwhelmed. 

Little Old Me

It's hard to Imagine I was a kid once.
Sometimes I still feel like one though.

I hardly remember who I was in 7th grade
and every grade below that are
tiny fragments of memory that my parents remind me about. 

Like the time I dressed up as a mouse for Halloween,

or the time I put silly putty in my hair and my mom had to cut a chunk of my hair out.

My brain,
that I knew so little
about was able to imagine all things
and see endless possibilities.
It wasn't afraid to tell my body to be free,
to explore, to ride my bike all over the neighborhood,
to play barbies for hours on end.
School used to be fun. I loved to play kissy tag and jump rope and write stories.
In my eyes, everything I did, I did perfectly.
I breathed in everything around me,
accepted all things with open arms.

Now I'm an old fart who can barely remember
what I did at school yesterday or
where I put my keys.
These days I sit and scroll up and down my news feeds of social media.
I have goals and aspirations but
no motivation to get anything done.
My curiosity and excitement of life has
left me, and I find myself taking everything for granted.

My fear gets the best of me and 

for the past few years I've been stuck

In reality.

Now I know a lot about my brain - with the frontal and temporal lobes. 

Yet I can't pull out any clue of who I used to be; I can't find my creativity.
Seriously,
who was I when I was 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13?
More than half of my lifetime is a blur.
I wish I could go back in time
and see my old memories;
see my old self.
I click through the old pictures on my computer files and in the old photo scrap books.
I was so cute.
It's weird how all I'm striving to be
is what I used to be - pure, innocent, confident, happy, friendly, free.

I guess you could say we are all Benjamin Buttons
trying to become who we use to be.
As we grow older we become our younger selves;
less obsessed of how society tells us to be and more focused on becoming
how we used to be.
At least that's what I'm striving for.
Trying to reconnect with what we call creativity.
Trying to find little old me.

Journal of Dots & Late Night Thoughts

February 7th 2014

Today my seminary class discussed how man is nothing compared to the universe, but to God we are everything.
We talked about how we live on a medium sized planet - in an average galaxy.
With hundreds of thousands of stars that dot the night sky.
I learned that we spin at a 1000 miles per hour rotation.
And all the stars and planets we see are only a small part of this universe.
We live in 1 out of 100 million other galaxies.

When I got home from school, there was an article on KSL about a rover who took a picture of us on Mars. 

{look there's you & me}

And I loled b/c CNN quoted the obvious - it's a dot in the sky. 

I can't get over how tiny we are. If Earth is a dot then we are truly nothing compared to the universe. It's like Horton Hears a Who all over again.

We are here, we are here. I promise I am here.

February 8th 2014

Sitting with my head on the cold window as rain pours down like tears. 

And I'm thinking how crazy it is that there's more to life than just breathing and living. 

Crazy to think that I'm here on this earth and my purpose is way bigger than just sitting in the backseat of my family's suburban watching the red break lights flash in front of us.

Crazy to think that all I am is a speck in this galaxy, yet I am so much more than just a speck. Because Dr. Seuss said "a person's a person, no matter how small."

And while that rover on Mars took the snapshot of you and me, we were learning, working, driving, spending time with those we love, struggling, crying, laughing, sighing, sleeping, whining, living. 

And even though we can't see ourselves in the picture, even though our Earth is simply a dot, and we are simply specks, we are alive and we are meant to be more than a speck on our world.

February 9th 2014

"The vast expanse of eternity, the glories and mysteries of infinite space and time are all built for the benefit of ordinary mortals like you and me."

The Human Experience

I believe in this 100%

I would and I could and maybe I should write a huge long explanation about this quote but I won't. 

It's too perfect to explain. 

Read it - think about it - love it. 

Because it's a lot deeper than it sounds and it has helped me see who I am and who I am trying to become.

It has reminded me to be grateful for life's challenges and to cherish the human experience and everything that comes with it. 

Save Mother Earth

I am in awe at how harsh this beautiful world can be...

I remember in junior high I would read the National Geographic to look at the stunning pictures of this world - with the waterfalls and the endangered animals. 

So have you ever stopped to wonder about Mother Earth? 

She must feel pain most of the time.

She must hate the hate that so many of us carry. 

When there are wars I'm sure she cries towards Heaven in grief, as blood seeps into her skin.

I'm sure she cries to God for strength and mercy. But not for Her; for us.

What a strong soul she must be. She is humble. She is selfless. What our world should be.

I have seen our world; Her world crash as her heart cracks and she begins to tremble. And I think we make her cry. 

I think we make her cry because of our sadness and our pain. Our anger; our rage. Our idolness; our pride.

We've given her scars. We throw garbage and glass all over her face. And she can't do anything about it. 

Except by showing us she cares. By showing us that she is still pure, while we are not.

She has no voice but her creations are enough to see she is there. This is Her world more than ours. Yet she gives us sunrises
                        sunsets
                                   flowers
                                              stars
                                                     clouds
                                                              oxygen

She gives us memories.

She gives us reasons to smile. 

We need to look at this beautiful world around us. Mother Earth is too gentle and too lovely to ignore.

Next time you notice something beautiful in this world, make sure you let Her know she has been seen. That she is appreciated. You can tell Her

Thank you.

Thank you for doing this for me.

For being strong.

And even though she won't respond, she will hear you. And that will be enough.

~~~ destiny preach

All I see

All I see 
are those who think they can't live
how they want to.
They hold themselves back,
not realizing they are the ones 
who chained themselves to the wall.
Who drew the curtains down.
Who said, no you can't
you can't do anything.
Who locked the door shut and didn't 
let anyone in.

And even though it was their doing, they feel 
the devil forced them in. 

There's no way out to the open
world because all they know is darkness,
and all they know is cold. 

They can't figure out they hold the key to their own Destiny.
They don't understand they are trapped in their own fear; 
their own misery. 

If only they knew, that all they had to do 
was take the key and unlock the door that has hidden
all the fear; all the insecurities.

But they're too busy hiding in the corner on a rug
with a candle barely lit.
And they sit 
with fear in their eyes 
because they don't know how to get out.

They don't realize that they are the ones who locked themselves in.
Yes, they are the ones who shut everybody out. 
But the fear of the unknown and the false perception of life restrains 
them from living how they want to.

So they continue to sit on that old raggedy rug
with the candle barely lit. 
And they still don't know what's outside that rusted
locked door.

Yeah all I see 
are those who think they can't live 
how they want to;

including me.

Kings, Rights, & Destiny

My name is Destiny Preach. I am not black; I am not a preacher. But I do dream like Martin Luther King Jr. did. And I do believe there are bad people in this world that used to be good and good people who are turning bad because no one knows why we live or why we care.

I guess Kings are the only ones who know the answer to questions that begin with why. They say it's called destiny,

I've always been intrigued by civil rights. I still don't understand how people could think they were better than others based on skin color.

How could you look at a human being and not see their soul? How could you look at them and only see black.

But then it scares me because I judge people too; the snotties and the druggies and the illuminatis. And I don't understand why I judge them based on what I see. I don't understand why I can't find their soul below their skin.

I hope you can see my soul through my words
because I believe I'm destined to preach.